Thinking of you.
Thinking of you.
Recently a reader of mine e-mailed me a link to a post entitled Open Letter to a Trapped Wife written by Douglas Wilson. I thought it was worth passing along because this is not the advice and level headedness you would get at GCM. This is the post in its entirety.
Open Letter to a Trapped Wife
Thank you for your email. You describe a situation very similar to one that I recently addressed here. I am very sorry for your troubles, and hope that what I say here will be of some help.
Let me begin with the most difficult part and get that over with first. I want to start by assuming that I am missing an important part of the story, having only heard from you. But after that, I want to then go on to assume that you have given me an accurate account of verbal, emotional, and spiritual cruelty, and give you some counsel from that perspective.
You describe a situation where the elders of your church have felt sorry for you, but have been pretty passive when it comes to addressing your husband’s anger issues. There are two possibilities here. One is that they know your account is true, but they lack the requisite courage or wisdom to deal with a man like your husband is. Part of the solution for that will be addressed in the second half of this letter. The other possibility is that they are confronted with a did too/did not situation, and so they are constrained from acting by biblical limitations (Prov. 18:17). They are not permitted to simply believe a charge that you bring against your husband — any more than they would be allowed to believe a charge that he brought against you. When there are charges and counter charges, those hearing them have to be able to do better than to just flip a coin.
We unfortunately live in a time that allows a certain kind of accusation to serve as a simple conviction. If a man is accused, the accuser is automatically the victim, and anybody who insists on independent corroboration of any serious charge will be himself accused of bringing additional abuse to the victim. But the line between righteousness and unrighteousness does not run neatly between men and women. Some women are fearfully abused by their husbands, and some husbands are frightfully mistreated by their wives. A counselor or pastor does not know going in to a situation which one it might be. If he goes in with his mind made up already, he does a grave disservice to both people he is trying to help.
I have seen situations where everybody in the family claimed to be afraid of the angry bear with a temper problem, but nobody appeared to have the slightest concern about his views, opinions, decisions, or values. But this made me wonder — if everyone was so afraid of the angry bear — why they all kept poking him with their sticks. They claimed fear so that they could use it as another weapon against someone they did not like, and did not respect, but actual fear was absent. I have seen other situations where the family was genuinely paralyzed by actual fear, and spent all day every day walking on egg shells.
We live in a world where some husbands are just angry men. They are angry at the government, angry at their business partners, angry at their competitors, angry at their fellow motorists, and angry at everybody inside the car with them. Periodically they explode, and all the molten malice trapped inside them comes out. That is one problem. But there are also situations where husbands are simply beleaguered men, constantly and unrelentingly disrespected by everyone close to them. His periodic outbursts are the railings of an impotent castrato. Of course, men in the first category will claim to be in the second, but it is important to keep these two categories distinct.
Please do not take any of this as an accusation against you. Your letter certainly seemed genuine to me, although I do not know your situation. I do know that if you are the righteous women you appear to be, you will recognize the justice of acknowledging that sometimes women are the unrighteous ones and that your account is just one side of the story. In my mind, if you recognize the cautions above as fair-minded, then the likelihood that your account is accurate goes way up. But if you take offense at the mere suggestion that an unsubmissive wife could ever slander her hapless husband, then the likelihood that your account is accurate goes way down.
Like I said earlier, I write all this not knowing your actual situation at all. But let us say you have run these biblical diagnostics on your own heart, and you are confident before God, with the Spirit of God as your witness, that your husband is a straight-up bully, and that you and the kids feel trapped by his anger. Let us also give your pastor and elders the benefit of the doubt and say that they would be willing to act if they had a situation with actual handles on it. What is a biblical strategy for dealing with a situation like this? Now what do you do?
Your strategy should be to bring everything to a head. Abigail dealt with her blockhead husband with all wisdom, and everything consequently came to a head. She was submissive to him, up to a point, and went completely around him in another sense. In this way she was very much like her future husband David, who honored the Lord’s anointed, refusing to take Saul’s life when he had the opportunity, while at the same not cooperating with Saul at all. David honored Saul as his anointed king, even while disobeying him. David did not turn himself in. Abigail did the same kind of thing. She honored her husband as her husband, but also did what was necessary to save her household. This was not simply a discrete, stand-alone action, but was rather a step in the story that helped bring everything to a head.
Before getting into how to bring everything to a head, we need to get the lay of the land first. There are two biblical grounds for divorce. They are some form of significant sexual uncleanness on the part of your spouse (Matt. 19:9), and willful desertion of you by your spouse (1 Cor. 7:15). From what you described, neither of these conditions pertain your situation. My understanding is that when divorce occurs under these circumstances, the innocent party is free to remarry. You are not now in that circumstance.
But what about separation? Is there any circumstance that could justify that? The answer is yes, but when that happens, the innocent party is free to separate, but is not free to remarry. Here it is:
“To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife” (1 Cor. 7:10–11, ESV).
There are certain hard situations in the church that Paul is willing to live with. He says that his default assumption is that a wife should not separate from her husband. He tries to keep them together. But when she can’t take it anymore and gets the heck out of there, notice how Paul limits her action. Taking the sum of his teaching, he says that the fact that her husband is not an adulterer and has not deserted her means that she must not get married to anyone else. A woman who leaves under these circumstances must remain unmarried, or else be reconciled to her husband. At the same time, the church must not force her to return.
When should a wife consider this? There are two basic scenarios. The first is when she has good reason to believe that she and/or the kids are in physical danger. If he is in the grip of anger and strikes her, or chokes her, or is waving a gun around, or anything like that, she needs to look for the first opportunity to get safely away. A husband should protect his family, not be the principal threat his family needs protection from. If he won’t protect them, then she, like Abigail, must take up the duty of protection.
When a wife separates from her husband because she is unsafe, the church should not lean on her to go back apart from the problem being actively addressed through pastoral counsel, and to her satisfaction. If she separates too quickly, and is not following the apostle’s advice perfectly, let her. If Paul would let her, then so should we. The church should simply say in this situation that unless something changes (e.g. her husband gets a live-in girl friend) she must not marry someone else in the meantime.
The second scenario is when a situation has gotten bad enough that a wife decides to force the issue, and give the church a situation that they have to deal with. This is an Abigail move. She moves out, and her husband complains to the elders. The elders ask her what is going on, and she says that their marriage and family are in a desperate way, and that she would be delighted to receive marriage counseling. She yearns for reconciliation. She has been asking her husband to arrange for counseling for years, and he has always refused. Now she has created a situation where the needed counseling must occur. Such a woman is not necessarily being unsubmissive at all.
In the run up to this, she should have been applying the wisdom of the apostle Peter.
“Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear” (1 Pet. 3:1–2).
If a godly wife is dealing with an ungodly and disobedient husband, and she is submissive in the way that Peter describes, then she is actively bringing everything to a head. Either he will be shamed by her courtesy, and submit to the Word, becoming obedient to it, or he will leave, or make the situation intolerable. Notice that the verb used here is that of the wife winning her husband. She is not a doormat here — she wins him.
She, by her reverent and chaste behavior, wins through. Either he submits to Christ, in which case she has won her husband, or he reacts violently to her reverent and chaste behavior. When this latter situation is unfolding, many wives believe that they are doing something wrong because the anger of their husband is apparently getting worse. But a fish being hauled in does most of its thrashing right beside the boat. The husband’s increased anger is a sign that he is getting to a break point. He is converted, or he ditches, or he makes home an impossible place to be. If the former, the problem is solved. If he leaves, the problem is solved. If he makes life in the home unlivable because of her reverent and chaste behavior, then she can leave with a clean conscience. Having left, she is prepared to cooperate fully with the elders when they seek to bring about a real reconciliation.
But that reconciliation will not occur unless there is repentance. Reconciliation is to be on God’s terms, not hers, and certainly not his. Reconciliation is not the same thing as the fight blowing over, or the husband calming down just a bit.
Well, that was a lot. In my experience, letters like this answer some questions, but also generate a lot more. If this has been of any help to you, please write again with any follow-up questions you might have.
Below are excerpts from an article written by Rick Thomas. There is a time to separate from an abusive spouse and there is a time to run. If your church does not know how to support you, contact the counselors at Rick’s site. The contact information is in his article. I like how he says that they are not a replacement to the local church but they are there to compliment the local church. I am glad they have been having articles up about abuse because I know my readers click over to his site. I hope you all find the biblical help you need that draws you into a closer, more trusting relationship with our Lord and Savior. May God give you the strength to do what you need to do in order for healing to take place and dear sister, I am not referring to your type of “healing”, but the type of healing that comes from God alone. Healing that leads you closer to God not further away. Healing that leads to righteousness not to sin. Healing that leads to restoration instead of destruction.
If my sin is affecting my health, then I can repent and be restored. If the sin of another person is affecting my health, then I am at the mercy of the other person owning and removing the sin from the relationship. In some marriages, the abusive spouse does not repent, a situation that can leave the victim spouse vulnerable.
This discussion can stir up a few concerns, especially from a person who is in an abusive situation. Here are four of those possible concerns:
So we do not lose heart. Though our outer nature is wasting away, our inner nature is being renewed day by day. – 2 Corinthians 4:16 (ESV)
Grace – Because we are victims of sin and the impact of sin on our lives can be degenerative, we must talk about the transformative power of the Gospel that has been given to us. It is important for us to not lose heart, as Paul said. God is merciful. Though we have created this problem between sin, life, and death, the LORD does not leave us alone. He always provides a way of escape when sin abounds (1 Corinthians 10:13). This is good news because there could be a temptation for a person to give up, choosing not to access these means of grace that the LORD has given to us. The temptation to quit and not fight is always strong. Many adults give up the fight against sin and let their bodies go. They feel the gravitational pull of death on them and rather than finishing strong, they yield to ever-increasing physical and spiritual depreciation. Though there are means of grace for these temptations, we do not always access them. Whether it is the degenerative effect of the sins of Adam or the sins within our relationships that we are uniquely bound to, there is a way of escape (1 Corinthians 10:13).
If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. – Matthew 18:15-16 (ESV)
The first call to action is to appeal to the abuser. I am not talking about sexual or physical abuse. In those cases, you do not appeal first. You run. You get away from the abuse. However, in other abuse situations where your physicality is not in the kind of threat that sexual and physical abuse causes, you make an appeal to the abuser to stop. If the person does not stop, then you call for help. Do not try to persuade a domineering person to stop being domineering on your own. The LORD has given us a process for such meanness. You have an advocate in the body of Christ, a wonderful means of grace to come alongside those who are victimized by the sins of others. Help – There will be many people who will read this and say, “Yes, but my church does not have the means, competency, or the concern to help me.” I will not argue with you. I have been counseling for a long time. My vocation has been a wonderful blessing in many ways, part of which had given me a realistic view of the local church. In some situations we have failed the body of Christ. I am critiquing myself here. I am talking about us. I am speaking of my family—the body of the LORD Jesus. There are many people, especially women, who live in marriages where the men are not pursued, helped, or held accountable. They are not called to change, as they continue to live in unabated sinfulness, but this is where we must be careful. It would be misguided to lay the sinfulness of people in the lap of the church. That is not an reasonable charge. It is not biblical. There are many churches who are stellar in the fight against sin. They are like me in that the need is far greater than any one person’s or institution’s ability to resolve. Furthermore, it would be placing the cause of the problem on the church. There is no doubt the church can and should do a better job, but the real problem has to do with how sinful people do not want to change. It is similar to the hospital. The help is available, but the person who needs the help must access it. Many, if not most, of the people who live in un-repentant sin are elusive. They are not part of the local church, which puts the local church at a disadvantage. This is a dilemma.
So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin. – James 4:17 (ESV)
I have never met a person who wanted to change, who could not change. If a sinful person wants to stop his sinfulness, there is enough grace, with or without the local church, for him to d that.
The gospel is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes Christ died for their sins and rose from the dead. Rick Thomas wrote about this topic in The reason I stopped hating my dad. It makes me sad to think of some GCMers living in hatred of their husbands/family members/anybody because of the wrongs others have done to them. I hope you will read Rick’s article and see the love of a Savior who died for you even though you are a sinner and not worthy of such kindness. Through Christ’s death and resurrection we have forgiveness of sins and we no longer have to live with hatred for those who sin against us. Read the article to see how Rick handled having a father who was a drunkard until the power of God changed him.
Below are a few quotes from the article.
“My father was a sinner who sinned—for all have sinned (Romans 3:23).”
“But he was not the only unrighteous person in our family. I, too, chose an unrighteous path. The sin that was passed down to him was passed down to me. I was just like my father—there is none righteous, no not one (Romans 3:10-12).”
“For many years I spent more time thinking about what my dad did wrong to me than what I did wrong to God. This kind of thinking is self-induced poisoning of the soul.”
“As I began to come to terms with the Gospel as it applied to my dysfunctional childhood, I began to see. The angry fog began to lift. I was a self-righteous victim—a deadly duo. A self-righteous victim is more aware of and irritated by the sins of someone else, rather than being more conscious of and more grieved by their own sin.” (Emphasis added)
“There is nothing that has ever happened to you or to me that is more evil than the sin we have committed against God.”
“It no longer mattered who did what. The real issue for me was whether I would humble my heart before Almighty God and plead for His forgiveness for the crimes I had committed.”
GCMer, if you are struggling in any of your relationships then a good place to start would be to confess your own sins to God, repent and believe the good news that Christ died for you. If you are still struggling with hate then the second best option is to go to The Counseling Solutions Group Inc. This counseling is through Rick Thomas even though he doesn’t do much counseling himself. If Mr. Thomas recommends these counselors then they should be good; in other words you shouldn’t get modern psychobabble from them but a biblical view of your problems and biblical solutions. GCMers, if you are having a hard time with a relationship in your life, why don’t you contact them today? And may you one day be able to say as Rick did, “It no longer mattered who did what. The real issue for me was whether I would humble my heart before Almighty God and plead for His forgiveness for the crimes I had committed.”
Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.
There is not one Christian community that is devoid of sin. All Christian communities are made up of sinners who have been saved by grace. Christ gave them a new heart yet they still struggle with their flesh. Perfection is desired but we also realize this is not possible on this side of life. This is why humility and forgiveness are needed. The sanctification process takes a lifetime. There should be continual growth in any Christian group.
On Thursday, April 10, 2014 there was a thread started on the Let’s Talk part of the GCM forum called I think its extremely sad. It has since been locked to further comments.
There were many on there who were upset with what the original poster said, “Now the only people left are the “yes men” …. so go ahead, tear me a new one, but this is the truth.” One GCMer handled it well. Mamaka (#159) did a good job! I recommend everyone go read what she said to illinoismommy. It is so sad to see that many don’t speak this way on a supposedly Christian site. Although Mamaka did not exactly like how illinoismommy said something, she tried to understand her and not dismiss her because of the way she chose to say it. Although Mamaka had no answers, she acknowledged the problem. I also want to mention gentlemommy’s apology (#185) to milkdud. It was very nice to see someone humbly confessing what they did wrong! It was wonderful to see something favorable. So although most of the comments were not so good, helpful or edifying on this thread, there were two positive ones worth mentioning.
I get rude comments from GCMers all the time. People are upset with what I write. Sometimes I do have to go back and make a correction. This just happened recently in my Hate Comments post. Although the GCMer misconstrued my intentions and was not so nice about how she said it, I still took the time to look over what she was offended about. I did notice right away that I really didn’t want that much information out there so I edited it out. It was a reminder to myself that I really have to take more time to post sometimes! A good reminder to us all – don’t talk or write in anger! Although I was quite disgusted with “Herkimmerbones” attitude on something she knew nothing about and appalled at what she said, I really did need to take into account others whom I was talking about. If I hadn’t posted in such haste I would have also gotten my brother-in-laws approval first before I posted the gossip of the commenter. He didn’t care so I left it up. But in the same post, I didn’t even think of others when I should have. The mistakes had been made, all I could do was humbly admit it then try my best to fix them.
I could have instead done what many GCMers do. Not even acknowledge the problem because the person was rude in the way that she told me about the problem. But ignoring problems is not the answer. I could have just “given myself grace” for my “big feelings” but I would still be in my sin. I went to the One who is able to forgive and give grace because He bled and died for my sins. I confessed my anger and my thoughtlessness in considering others. I received the grace that comes from God. It is by far better than any grace I can give myself. For when He gives me grace there is then no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (from Romans 8:1).
GCMers (as well as myself) watch how you say things to people. Let us humbly count others more significant than ourselves (from Phil 2:3). When we fall short in this area let us confess our sins and receive forgiven.
GCMers stop ignoring problems. Address them, even if someone is not so nice in the way it was brought up. Have patience with them and work through the problem instead of ignoring the person. Forgive the person for their hurtful words. Help them in a godly way to work through their frustrations. Obviously illinoismommy was upset and instead of bashing her into the ground for what she said, gently correct her and then address the problem. It was truly heartbreaking to read through that thread because very little was accomplished. Ignoring problems will not make them go away (there are other threads where this also happens). GCM is bound to have a repeat performance of another split because people bring up concerns but instead of getting answers they get attacked – it’s the “Gentle” “Christian” way I suppose.
A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit.
Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.
Hebrews 12:1-2, ESV
Sovereign Grace Music
Unto death He was stricken
Assigned a grave with the wicked
Raised to life and seated glorious
Savior King, our God victorious
Never more to die, He lives
“Gentle Christians” mothers is an online support group for Christian women to be gentler moms. Moms sometimes need to be encouraged to raise their children in the Lord. You decide you want to be a better mom. You come across a website that claims to be Christian. You look on their website and see this on their about page:
1) To encourage mothers to minister to their children heartily, as unto the Lord.
2) To help mothers learn to parent more gently.
3) To offer mothers information so they can make informed choices.
4) To strengthen and build mothers’ confidence in their choices and in their ability to parent their children as God guides them.
5) To encourage mothers to love their children, their husbands, and, above all, to love our Lord God.
Can’t argue with any of them except I might add as God guides them through His word to number 4. All great goals! You think, “Great! I am going to sign up!” Unfortunately, this is not what happens much of the time on GCM. The above listed goals are very misleading. In reality they should read:
1) To encourage moms to spend more and more time on GCM.
2) To help mothers learn to parent without the help of the fathers.
3) To offer mothers information so they can parent “our” way.
4) To strengthen mothers to be in total control of all child-rearing decisions.
5) To encourage mothers to love a false god and leave their husbands and put their children on antidepressants and other brain drugs (I have heard this from a few people now plus all of my sister’s children have been put on different drugs over the past two or so years).
It has been nice to see some deactivations stating that they need to spend more time with their families. Yeah! Also, the owner of the site did say they were going to get back to the goals of GCM. It is concerning how far removed they became in the first place and will change really happen? I can’t answer those questions. This site may have started with good intentions and it had such potential to be a place of encouragement, but knowing what happened to my sister and others, I know this is an unsafe place to be. I am not very hopeful that there will be any lasting change. There are too many people still on GCM that follow the latter goals.
So if you are new to “Gentle Christian” Mothers, you might expect them to talk a lot about God and His word. You might not know that evil takes place deep within. The ungodly spouting off their ungodly doctrines. You may go for a year or two thinking all is peachy-keen, but that is because you aren’t part of the privileged class. They worship a different god. She is the god of abuse. And she has different rules to play by and if you go off script, well you will most likely be labeled toxic or unsafe.
How can this be? It starts by getting woman to believe that anyone who is supportive of spanking is an abuser. Once they believe that, then the separation from family can begin. They talk down to their husbands because what do they know about parenting? Nothing in their opinion. They are the ones who spend all day on the computer talking to “experts” so they know it all. If the husband doesn’t comply with all of their “rules” for parenting, then the breakdown of the marriage results. From there it just gets nastier and nastier.
Here are some of the rules of the abuse god you should know about if you are going to join GCM.
(The following images were all taken from http://teampyro.blogspot.com. Too bad the first two pictures weren’t of women.)
1) If you, a GCMer, claims abuse, then everything the said abuser does is abuse. Nothing nice can be said about the alleged abuser nor can anyone tell you that something he is doing is rational because to do so would be to take his side, to do so would not be supporting you, the GCMer, 100%. To do so would be crossing a boundary. Anyone who crosses a boundary needs to be immediately cast out of your life forever.
2) Anyone who disagrees with you does not worship the one true abuse god and has crossed a boundary, have nothing to do with them.
3) Slander the accused at any chance you get. Tell everyone. If someone cautions you on how you are speaking about the abuser, cut them out of your life. They obviously don’t understand the healing process.
4) Never read the Bible. If you do, only read the parts about grace and forgiveness and then apply it only to yourself.
5) Tell everyone how terrible your parents are. They deserve to be treated without any consideration unless they are okay with your new cult-like personality and slandering your husband.
6) Hate everyone who even says the slightest thing you might take as an insult. Hope they die and go to hell. After all they crossed a boundary.
8) Try to take all your husband’s money and if he doesn’t give it all to you, tell everyone he is financially abusing you. He is obviously crossing a financial boundary if he wants any money.
9) Tell lies if you have to if will advance your agenda.
10) Never answer questions. You owe it to no one. There are no reasonable questions. They are obviously asking you questions to keep you under their control. Don’t let anyone cross this boundary.
Take heed of Paul’s words to Timothy:
But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people. 2 Timothy 3:1-5
If you are thinking of joining GCM, remember the words of Paul and have nothing to do with people like this!
Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? What accord has Christ with Belial? Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever? (2 Cor 6:14-15, ESV)
“Gentle Christian” Mothers allows anyone on as long as they don’t believe spanking is okay. They can be Christian, Mormon, Catholic, Psuedo-Christian, anything but a spanker. Considering the name has Christian in it, let’s take a look at what God says.
Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? What accord has Christ with Belial? Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever? (2 Cor 6:14-15, ESV)
Inclusivity only leads to problems. If we would read and obey Scripture we would know the dangers.
For the wisdom of this world is foolishness in God’s sight. (1 Corinthians 3:19 NIV)
You might say, “It is just parenting advice!” Oh, but parenting advice from non-Christians is always devoid of biblical truths from scripture. We are to raise our children to know God and His word. We are to teach them the dangers of sin, the amazing grace of our God, His mercy and forgiveness, and walking in His ways. Too infrequently will there be any talk of such things on GCM. Most advice has to do with the latest pop psychology studies devoid of mentioning the dreaded word – sin. The foundation laid at GCM is that children have age appropriateness (I can’t remember the term GCMers always use). There is nothing wrong with recognizing that a 3 year old can’t do the dishes but a 13 year old can. There is nothing wrong with recognizing that the older a child gets, the more he understands. But when age appropriateness and developmental milestones take the place of biblical truths, then there is a problem. Outbursts of anger become “big feelings” instead of sin that needs to be addressed. Mammas just have “big feelings” too so instead of asking Christ to forgive them, they just remind each other to, “give yourself grace.” What is missing in parenting on GCM is Christ. Every once in a while He gets an honorable mention, but He is far from the focus at GCM.
Instead of seeking godly counsel when women are having problems in their marriage or with their family, the fellowship of unbelievers says to divorce and never talk to your family again. I have heard from many formers who all said similar things: there was a lot of husband bashing going on, convincing wives they are abused so that everyone started getting divorced, people were encouraged to leave husband, friends and family over minor disagreements.
Blessed is the man
who walks not in the counsel of the wicked,
nor stands in the way of sinners,
nor sits in the seat of scoffers;
(Psalm 1:1 ESV)
Wordliness, carnality and indifference to sin are becoming the norms at GCM. How did that happen? Fellowship with unbelievers. The god of this age blinds (2 Cor 4:4) them from the truth of the gospel.
You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. (James 4:4, ESV)
The owner of GCM once told me this about the way things work on GCM. “Many different viewpoints may be expressed on the board. We just ask that members respect the statement of beliefs and not post in a way which promotes beliefs which are contrary to our statement of beliefs and we ask that they follow the posting guidelines.” And restated in the same e-mail to me, “Again, as I mentioned, we ask that members respect the statement of beliefs and not post in a way which promotes beliefs which are contrary to our statement of beliefs and we ask that they follow the posting guidelines.” Some one I know looked on the public forum before and told me it had the makings of a cult, he couldn’t see from the public that it was. He also mentioned a lot of the bad theology he saw.
The following quote is from a lady named Beth on Camille’s facebook page (I have no idea who these people are. All I know from reading on facebook is Camille is a former GCMer who had problems with GCM). From the sounds of it, Beth clicked on a GCM link for the first time. This is what she said about it, “So having lurked a few threads, this is what I have come away with. One thread of someone complaining about a remark her husband made. Rather than discussing this issue with him, she went to a forum of strangers to complain and gain affirmation/ammunition from them. NO ONE in the forum suggests she talk it out with her husband. Other threads appear to be people looking for others to help them make what should be simple decisions. There seems to be an atmosphere of undue dependence on the opinions of the group. Not good. So that’s just what I’ve gathered from a brief period of lurking.” Wow, she saw that after just a tiny bit of time gandering around! And none of the people in charge at GCM can see this???
“We are being light.” If GCM would argue this, that they think they are doing a good thing by allowing non-Christians on the site, they are mistaken.* I really don’t know if they think this or not, but this thought is often seen in Christianity today, being light to non-Christians by bringing them into close fellowship with believers. As all the above verses mention that doesn’t work. If GCM was actually a gospel centered place then non-Christians would be able to read the public forum pages and learn about godly parenting (BTW, non-Christians wouldn’t learn much of anything on GCM about biblical parenting or the gospel because they have strayed so far from the statement of belief.)
Here is an example of how GCMers operate. Once again they show their hypocrisy. They are always right and everybody else is always wrong. Even when they don’t know any of the people in real life. They know it all! “Herkimmerbones” wrote the following in different comment sections on my site. My comments are obviously in maroon.
“Thank you for clearly lining out just how little you understand about anything that happened. And you understand everything because???? You know my family, my brother-in-law, and you have known my sister all her life???? Do you even know my sister in real life? Every word you write demonstrates that for you and your parents; the only thing that was important was yourselves. How YOU felt, how concerned YOU were, how embarrassed your Mother was, no concern at all for the person of your sister.
Thank you for making it so very clear.”
Why would you say I wasn’t concerned for my sister? She was starting to drink to drown out her troubles. Not a good time to take up drinking! Then she lied about it. Uh-oh, maybe there was a problem with her drinking if she wasn’t being forthright in telling me she was getting tipsy and even some GCMers were concerned. Don’t you think a sibling who cares about the other one would worry once this was found out??? I was concerned for her mental health because she was seeing abuse in questions. Did you even read the posts??? We were all concerned about the children for many reasons. XXX XXXXX (edited April 13, 2014).
“I think you forgot the part where your affidavits stated that your sister was not capable of taking care of her children. Oh and the part where you quizzed a short-term acquaintance of hers from years before to certify that your sister had been ‘suicidal’ which by the way- hearsay is not admissible in court.
Talk about hearsay! You have no idea what you are talking about! I never contacted the “short-term acquaintance” as you call her. I haven’t spoken with her since my sister left that area of the States. I don’t even have her phone number! She was contacted by the GAL and she told the GAL what had happened during that time. I confirmed this information to the GAL when asked. How do I know what happened? I know because my sister told me about it after the fact (like the next day or something like that – I heard the story about my sister straight from my sister.). Hence, why I was EXTREMELY worried about her and her children. Did she tell you she XXX XXXXXXXX XX XXXXXXX XXX XXX XXXXXXXX (edited April 13, 2014) during that time as well? She also had thoughts of leaving her family to go live with a woman she never met in real life, only online. A total stranger! She almost left her entire family to go live with a stranger many states away. Bet she didn’t tell you that either. I think there is a lot my sister is not telling you. I was concerned then, imagine how frightened I was when she told us this was right up there with that tragedy and then kicks us out of her life!! And to this day I am very concerned for her and her children. And NO GCMer is helping her!
Oh- and please add in the part where BIL slept with the Guardian Ad Litem.”
Again, hearsay on your part! I never heard that one. Any proof???? Or is this one of my sister’s made up stories?
“you really cannot see the beam in your own eye, can you. Nice work- you’ve tried and convicted yourself.”
What arrogance you have. You have no idea what happened and you are so quick to judge people you have never met. We have been worried sick about my sister since this all came about. We still are sick over this. There is nothing I can say though to you because you are part of the GCM cult that believes the GCMer is always right, always the victim, always to be believed no matter what the facts actually are. It doesn’t matter if the family is concerned that she will be suicidal again or will have thoughts of XXXXXXX XXX XXXXXXXX XXXXX (edited on April 13, 2014)
I never wanted the information about my sister’s previous suicidal and homicidal thoughts to come out, but you all obviously know about it. No point in holding back in the details, heh? So if there is anybody who wants to have a real conversation and not just hurl all these false accusations at me, I would be happy to answer any of your questions. My hope would be that one of you would finally see the problem (my sister who seems to have become an habitual liar, changing her past history to suite her current lifestyle, and the possible danger to herself and others) and for once try to truly help my sister.
I acknowledged my sin to you, and I did not cover my iniquity; I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord,” and you forgave the iniquity of my sin. (Psalm 32:5 ESV)
Jesus would probably not be considered gentle by “gentle” “Christian” mothers when he spoke to the Pharisees and said something like this to them, “Woe to scribes and Pharisees, Hypocrites! Blind guides.” They probably also wouldn’t consider it gentle to say, “For they preach, but do not practice...For you shut the kingdom of heaven in people’s faces. For you neither enter yourselves nor allow those who would enter to go in. For you…make a single proselyte, and when he becomes a proselyte, you make him twice as much a child of hell as yourselves…You blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and the plate, that the outside also may be clean…So you also outwardly appear righteous to others, but within you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness.” (Matthew 23:1-36)
Why do I say they wouldn’t consider Jesus gentle? Many GCMers avoid talk of sin for the most part. They don’t seem to think they or their kids are sinners. They might say they are sinners so they can say they have grace, but they never admit any of the sins they actually commit are sins. It is so much easier to call sins by a psychology term so they can keep doing what they are doing. So they will probably think I am harsh and be mad at me for what I am about to say to them. My purpose though is actually to call them to repentance so they may walk in a manner worthy of God (2 Cor 7:8-11, 1 Thess 2:12).
SIN! Woe to you GCMers, you hypocrites, you blind guides, you who preach but do not practice. You make others twice as much a child of hell as you yourselves are. You profess to know God but your actions deny Him. Mourn and weep over your drunkenness, your fornication, your adultery, your lies, your idolatry, your hatred, your arrogance and pride. Repent! “Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God (1 Corinthians 6:9-10 ESV).” “Everyone who hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life abiding in him (1 John 3:15).” Those who practice these things will be thrown into the lake that burns with fire and sulfur (Revelation 21:8).
STOP! Stop playing the blame game. Adam and Eve tried it, didn’t work. Your sins are not the result of your (ex) husband or your parents. “But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire (James 1:14).” Admit your sins to God and stop trying to deny them. Do you really think God is going to accept those excuses on the day of judgment? The guilt you feel is the result of the sin you continue to commit against a Holy God who humbled Himself by becoming obedient to death, even death on a cross! (Phil 2:8)
FREEDOM! True freedom does not come from body piercings, tattoos, drinking, workbooks, or sexual immorality. You work hard for your freedom, but you are a slave to your sin. Freedom, true freedom, only comes through Christ (John 8:31-38). The Son sets you free!
FORGIVENESS! How good of God to forgive us when we acknowledge our sins to Him. He could hold our sins against us, but if we humble ourselves before Him, He gives us grace. If we do not humble ourselves, keep on sinning deliberately, and not confess our iniquities, He will oppose us. It is a dreadful and fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God. (James 4:1-10, Hebrews 10:26-31) Repent while it is still today! The precious promise of God is that He will remember your sins and lawless deeds no more. Today is the day of salvation through Christ Jesus our Lord as 2 Cor 6:2 says, “Behold, now is the favorable time; behold, now is the day of salvation.”
Create in Me a Clean Heart, O God
To the choirmaster. A Psalm of David, when Nathan the prophet went to him, after he had gone in to Bathsheba.
Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your steadfast love;
according to your abundant mercy
blot out my transgressions.
Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,
and cleanse me from my sin!
For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is ever before me.
Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you may be justified in your words
and blameless in your judgment.
Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,
and in sin did my mother conceive me.
Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being,
and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.
Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones that you have broken rejoice.
Hide your face from my sins,
and blot out all my iniquities.
(Psalm 51:1-9 ESV)