WHAT HAPPENED TO MY WIFE?

  • Has your GCM wife gotten mad at you for not being more gentle with your children? 
  • Does she treat you as a third wheel in the raising of your children? 
  • Have you started to notice her pulling away from you in all areas of life? 
  • Has she accused you of being abusive?
  • Has she then taken your children away from you?
  • Did she give you a set of boundaries to follow (i.e. only allowed to talk with her about the children and finances)?
  • Does she act like she wants a divorce but denies it to you?
  • Has she been acting as if everyone is against her (i.e. you, relatives, friends)?
  • Will she only communicate with you through e-mail?
  • Do those e-mails leave you with the feeling you are the only one guilty of everything bad with the marriage?
  • Are her e-mails cold, impersonal, condescending and angry?
  • Does she say she will give you a year to fix all your issues?
  • Does it feel like you can’t win no matter what you do?
  • Are there so many conditions and boundaries that you think she wants you to fail?

If any of the above sound too familiar, you are not alone!!!

Unfortunately, if the above sounds like what you are going through, it doesn’t get any better.  Not as long as she is on GCM.  If you feel like she wants a divorce, she probably does.  If you are taking responsibility for your part in the failing of your marriage, that is great, but don’t expect any encouragement from your GCM wife.  She has been told you will not change, “once an abuser always an abuser.”  Forget what Jesus said about salvation being impossible with man but  possible with God! 

What is likely to happen is she will go to Celebrate Recovery and/or she will see a therapist at a domestic violence center and she will will get more and more distant as she realizes the “abuse” she has put up with since she married you.   She may even pull away from friends and family, mom and dad, sisters and brothers if they don’t 100% agree with the way she is handling the situation.  She will consider them unsafe.  She is under a delusion of nothing she does is wrong, but everything other people do that she doesn’t like is wrong. 

Some of the women on GCM will tell her everything you do is abusive.  They will twist everything you say and write…EVERYTHING.  They are self-made psychological experts.  They will give your wife nonbiblical, pop-psychology advice.  And if there are other GCMers in the area, you will have the pleasure of them standing by your house while you try to get your children for a visit.  They need to be there because you are “unsafe” and your wife is scared of you.  In their minds they are there to protect your wife, but in reality they are there to intimidate you. 

Know that you aren’t alone.  Other men have went through this.  My sister cut her immediate family out of her life because we didn’t 100% agree with the way she was handling things (boundaries galore, not making much sense, not being very nice), so we got in contact with my brother-in-law to hear his side.  Wow!  Poor guy.  I am glad we were there for him otherwise he might have been driven insane.   I hope knowing that you aren’t alone will help you keep your sanity during this time.  (Actually my brother-in-law reached out to us first.  I told him what my sister told me to say, “Only talk to my sister about the children and the finances and I will not discuss her with you,” but my sister still wasn’t happy with that.  So when she wrote us out of her life, I contacted my brother-in-law.)

Even though things are bleak, there is hope.  It is in the Lord Jesus Christ.  He is all powerful.  Admit to God that you’re a sinner and repent (turn from) your sins and put your trust in Christ.  He will take you from death from sin to life in Him.  With Him, there is hope!  Be praying for your wife and your marriage!

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8 responses to “WHAT HAPPENED TO MY WIFE?

  1. I’m sorry your family is so polarized. I hope your brother in law finds recovery from his (alleged) abusive tendancies. It’s a very hard recovery, often taking more than 18 months, even when someone is facing facts and working hard. Perhaps, with hard work, he can win his wife back.

    To other family members: every person has the right to limit who they are interested in speaking to and/or hearing from. If someone in your family is going through a hard time, making difficult decisions and going through emotional upheaval, I advise speaking to that person with respect and kindness. Otherwise, you justly deserve any distance that person might put between you and herself.

    • If God can reconcile sinners to His perfect self, two sinners can reconcile with each other. Sadly, I find it will be unlikely with my sister and her ex-husband though. If I call him an abuser, I would have to call her one too (I would rather just call them both sinners). Neither were very nice to one another. I don’t see her ever admitting to how badly she treated him through the years. This is one reason GCM was bad for her. She could twist everything (with the help of other GCMers – I have seen some of them twist things around so other GCMers would see nonabusive situations as abusive) in her favor and none would be the wiser. But her family knows how they both treated one another. We could see the bigger picture than her GCM friends.

      This is why I must warn people NOT to go to the GCM board with their marital problems or any online board for that matter.

  2. I don’t understand. If you truly think your sister intentionally lied to these GCM people, why do you blame them for taking her word and dealing with her fairly as if she were telling the truth? If you are calling your sister a liar, why are you blaming the people she supposedly lied *to* for her conduct?

  3. Good question. I will try to explain if I can. My sister was in a bad place in life when this all was occurring. Basically because she sought help from people who see abuse in everything, who don’t really know the both of them or their history, they saw things differently than what was going on in real life. Somewhere along the way things got distorted. I think my sister might have believed everything she said b/c of all the talk on GCM about marriages/abuse.

  4. It sounds simply like *you* and your sister see things differently, and she told her friends things from her own honest perspective. If your perspective is different, well, it’s normal for people to have different perspectives on the same things, but usually with a marriage, the people within the marriage have the best seat in the house for figuring out if fear and control are present. It’s not hard to know if you are afraid or not.

    Abuse has been thouroughly observed and studied. That’s why there are so many excellent books to help people see whether or not it is happening in their relationships, and GCM is not the only source that is capable of asking people, “These are the critera, do they apply to your situation?” Abuse is one of the few sins that the secular world still believes matters — which is funny, because a lot of Christians seem to have decided it’s a type of sin that doesn’t really matter.

    Abuse doesn’t mean a marriage is over. It means a marriage is in serious need of repentance and the fruit of repentance. The fruit of of someone who repents from the sin of spousal abuse starts with one thing: respect. Respect is the opposite of abuse, which is why it is one of the strongest indicators of the beginning of repentance in abuse situations. Then of course there is heartfelt regret, confession, accepting the consiquences (both temporary and irreversable), then seeking healing and strength (to understand and resist the temptation), the desire for accountability, honesty and the growth of the fruit of the Spirit.

    As you can see, this is why restoration after an abusive dynamic has been present in a marriage generally takes between one and two years, and really can only happen when the repentant abuser is ready to be doing a lot of hard work.

    Also, as you can see, the GCM tendancy to recognize the sin of spousal abuse is not something that ends marriages — unrepentance ends marriages. Repentance leads to healing.

  5. I don’t think you’re “exposing” GCM… I think you’re feeling hurt & upset over what happened to your sister & you needed to take it out on someone. This post “What Happened to My Wife” is ridiculous… If someone chooses to treat their husband like that, it has nothing to do w/ GCM and everything to do with how they feel like treating their husband.

    I’m a long standing member at GCM & I don’t treat my husband in any of the negative ways you said a GCMer does. I’ve had my ups and downs with the site. I don’t agree w/ all the advice given… but I’m wise enough to discern between good advice & bad advice. Advice that works for my family and stay away from the advice that doesn’t. I’m sorry your sister’s family was hurt. I doubt it has anything really to do w/ GCM and everything to do w/ a dysfunctional marriage in which neither party tried to make efforts to improve it before it got too bad to improve.

    • I went back and changed “The women” to “some of the women”. I do not like to put all GCMers in the same category. In other posts I have been more careful to point out that it may just be a handful or some GCMers. The GCMers that are involved in my sister’s life did give her bad, non-Biblical advice. Unfortunately, she took their advice. Too bad other GCMers (like moderators who I would think would care about the content of a CHRISTIAN forum) just sit back and allow for so called “Christians” to give such non-Biblical advice without saying anything! And even then I know there were one or two GCMers who did -hurray for them- (at least once out of many), but the moderators did not stop it. It is good for all Christians to remember:
      And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. Colossians 3:17
      My mouth shall speak wisdom; the meditation of my heart shall be understanding. Psalm 49:3
      Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips! Psalm 141:3
      Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer. Psalm 19:14
      Speaking to yourselves in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord; Ephesians 5:19

  6. Gods’ Word, in the Old testament and the New Testament requires witness of two or three when accusations, especially serious accusations are made. It is not right for people to evaluate or judge problems without the Word required witness. If a person is abusive, it will show in many ways, not just in private. We know people by their fruit. We can’t judge people on no evidence, but instead use the writings of cult fuitcakes, like Lundy Bancroft.

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