Sister, I am writing this to you. Although I don’t know if you have read any of the e-mails I have sent you in past, I am pretty sure you have read this blog. There is one thing that I have thought a lot about and I want you to know.
I know you probably want me in hell. I assume that is what your intention was. You might think I am angry. I am not. My response was tears for you. It is still hard to believe that I lost my best friend and that you would want us (your family) dead and in hell. If I am wrong about you thinking that, I am sorry.
So with knowing (or at least believing that is how it is) the above, I can still write what I am about to write. Over the past two 1/2 years I have thought of this on and off. If you decide you have had enough of being a victim and walk away from your current friends or if your friends one day decide that you are toxic and you find yourself alone and you needed help, would I drop everything to go be with you and help you (I realize that the chances of you calling me are slim. I know you wouldn’t want my “toxicity” around. But one day you might become that desperate or you might even realize we were never toxic.)? Without a doubt, the answer is always yes. So I want you to know, you are never alone in this world. If you need me, I am just a phone call away. I promise I will not bring up any of the awful past or hurt. I will be there to serve you. If you get cancer and need someone to clean up your vomit, I will do so. If you have gaping wounds of ooze, I will change your bandages (please don’t read into this that I want those things to happen to you, because I don’t. My prayers for you are all for good.).
Will it be awkward? Probably. You hate my guts and I know you hate my guts (I am assuming you hate my guts because my understanding is you would be happy with me in hell). I don’t imagine we will sit and laugh hysterically like we used to when we would get strange glances from our family. We probably won’t have anything to talk about. To fill the silence we could play Trivial Pursuit. And if it’s the 80’s version, song might break forth! I can go to the store and buy you the blueberries you like. Whatever is needed, I will be there for you.
You may scoff at this today and perhaps tomorrow. But if the day should arise, I don’t want any of the past to hinder you from contacting me. I will never turn my back on you. You never have to be alone. I love you.
May God bless you with every good gift from above.
With much love,
Your Family Member Always
P.S. After writing this, I thought I would ask the other three what they thought about stopping everything to help you if you ever needed it (I thought I knew the answer but I didn’t want to put words in their mouths). Mom looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, “Of course”. She will never stop loving you. We are all here for you if ever you should need us.