Tag Archives: Why Does He Do That

Why Does “She” Do That

The following quotes of abusive personality types are taken from Lundy Bancroft’s book, Why Does He Do That.  It’s amazing how many GCM woman fit these profiles, but they deny that they are abusive.  Don’t they realize that if they deny they are abusers they are  playing the victim according to their guru, Lundy?

Husbands of GCMers you might recognize a lot of these quotes in your wife.  I am truly sorry if you do.  If you are reading this there is a good chance she has already accused you of abuse.  You may have even taken steps to improve the relationship which is a good thing.  She, however, will never see herself as a contributing factor to your marriage problems.  In the mind of a GCMer, everything is your fault and always will be.  Unfortunately, when it gets this far there isn’t much you can do except take the blame for everything horrible in her life for the rest of your life.  To quote Lundy’s abuser profile of Mr. Right, “Your opinions aren’t worth listening to carefully or taking seriously.”  Of course your opinions are worth something but your GCM wife will not be listening to them and taking them into consideration.  By this time she has been steeped in the cult teachings of GCM.  Remember to love and pray for your wife even when she treats you badly.  As God’s word says, “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…”(Ephesians 5:25).  Be strengthened in the grace that is in Christ.  Tougher times are still ahead.

PLEASE NOTE:  When I have switched the pronouns (examples: he to she or her to him), I have put them in quotes (pg 83, 85, 87. 99, 101).  I jotted down some of the ones that made me think of my sister or other GCMers.  It has been a year since I wrote my review of Lundy’s book and I do not have the book any longer.  I didn’t think I would be making a post of them so I don’t have page numbers for the excerpts.  If you want to find the quote it should be easy if you look under the appropriate heading: Mr. Right, Water Torturer, etc. 

“Mrs.” Right

page 53: “…the abusive “woman” typically considers “herself” the authority on parenting…”  Wow, that is completely my sister and probably a majority of GCMers!  Ladies, all you have to do is switch the pronouns.  Can you see yourself now?  
“tears down, ridicules, and discredits “his” perspective, condescending, focused on telling “him” how to think, wants to impose “her” own ideas.”

“You should be in awe of my intelligence and you should look up to me intellectually. I know better than you do, even about what’s good for you.”

“Your opinions aren’t worth listening to carefully or taking seriously.” How ’bout now?  Can you see yourself yet?

“The fact that you sometimes disagree with me shows how sloppy your thinking is.”

“When you disagree with me about something, no matter how respectfully or meekly, that’s mistreatment of me.”

Water Torturer
“You are crazy. You fly off the handle over nothing.”

“I can easily convince other people that you’re the one who is messed up.”

“As long as I’m calm, you can’t call anything I do abusive, no matter how cruel.”  Surely you can see yourself now? 

“I know exactly how to get under your skin.”

Drill Sergeant
“I need to control your every move or you will do it wrong.”

“I know the exact way that everything should be done.”

“I love you more than anyone in the world, but you disgust me.”

Victim
“Everybody has done me wrong, especially the “men” I’ve been involved with. Poor me.”

“When you accuse me of being abusive, you are joining the parade of people who have been cruel and unfair to me.”  Surely by now you can see yourself?

“”Men” who complain of mistreatment by “women”, such as relationship abuse or sexual harassment, are anti-“female” and out for blood.”

Terrorist
“The children are one of the best tools I can use to make you fearful.”

GCMer, if you see yourself (the hypocrisy and pride) in these quotes, please know there is forgiveness with the Lord.  Confess your sins and trust in Christ to nail them to the cross.  He came to seek and save the lost.  What good news!  Talk to your husband.  Confess your sins to him.  Work things out together.  I can guarantee that neither of you have been perfect in your marriage.  There is forgiveness for you both!  There is new life in Christ!!  And even from this point on neither of you will be sinless.  But God’s word tells us in 1 John, “My little children, I am writing these things to you so that you may not sin. But if anyone does sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous. He is the propitiation for our sins…”  You can forgive your spouse today and tomorrow and the day after that, “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.  Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you (Ephesians 4:31-32).”  If Christ forgave you, you can forgive your husband!!

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Two Very Different Endings

The following two stories are about the same husband and wife.  For this example, the woman will be a believer and the man will not be.  The first story will go through this fictitious scenario from a biblical perspective.  The latter will be from a GCM perspective.

A wife is unhappy in her marriage.  She is getting more and more depressed not understanding what is wrong.  Some people start making comments about the behavior of her husband and how badly he treats her.  She starts to realize that she is being verbally attacked on a day-to-day basis.  The stress is too much for her to handle.  This unhappy wife wants to please God.  She stays.  She tries hard to do what is right.  It is not working.  Finally, she decides to leave.  She wants to reconcile but she also knows she can not continue living with her husband in this way.  During their separation (be it a month or more), the husband calls once a day.  They e-mail regularly.  He comes to see her once a week.  The husband, by this point, has realized all was not well or his wife would not have left.  They discuss the way they fight.  She realizes that she tried to control too much of his life.  He starts to realize he shouldn’t yell.  She decides it is time to move back in and see if things will be different.  Things are different, but by no means ideal.  They have a rough couple of years, but she has a new outlook.  Instead of taking all the abuse or any of the various things she did or did not do in the past, she does things differently.  She stops trying to control every situation.  During the separation, she realized she does truly love this man.  She recognizes that he doesn’t know how to deal with the stresses of his life much like she didn’t know how to deal the stresses of her life (i.e. her husband).  She knows his stress should not be taken out on her and that she is not a doormat.  She doesn’t need to be treated this way.  She also realizes they are both sinners, the only difference is she is a saved sinner.  She does not do things for him out of fear like she used to, but now out of love.  Her compassion for him has grown because she recognizes the undeserved compassion that Jesus has showered on her.  She wants to see him be a better man and husband.  She has patience with him knowing that God has had to have a lot of patience with her over her lifetime.  Slowly through the next couple of years, he starts responding to all that kindness and love showered on him.  Slowly he stops reacting and starts to listen.  Before they know it (but after a lot of hard work) they are enjoying each others company.  They are getting along.  Their disagreements aren’t pleasant, but what disagreements are?  But shouting matches are a thing of the past.  They work alongside each other.  They love each other.  They are patient with each other (for the most part).  They are kind to one another (for the most part – hey, they are two sinners living together).  She forgave and moved on.  She thanks God for her blessings.

A wife is unhappy in her marriage.  She is getting more and more depressed not understanding what is wrong.  Her GCM friends tell her she is being abused.  She believes what they are saying is true.  She takes their advice and leaves her husband to go live safely with another GCMer.  She restricts contact with her husband to only one e-mail once a week.  He thought everything was okay.  Not great, but okay.  He doesn’t understand so he calls to question her so he can understand.  She accuses him of being abusive for not sticking to her boundary of e-mail only communication.  She becomes more controlling and because of the advice from GCMers, she then restricts e-mails to only discussions of bills and children.  Meanwhile, she is attending abuse counseling and reading Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft.  As she reads she gets more depressed.  She now believes she was sexually abused, financially abused, spiritually abused.  Her GCM friends encourage her to drink to ease the pain.  She does.  Her GCM friends encourage her to do body piercings and different body mutilations to help with the healing process.  She does.  Meanwhile, the husband realizes he was not good to her like he should have been.  He attends counseling.  Something doesn’t seem quite right though.  He asks her questions about her friends.  The wife is very unhappy about this.  She can not get away from his questions (in her mind, abuse) so she files for divorce.  Her family start questioning her new behaviors.  She quickly shuts them out of her life.   She now believes her family is abusive and toxic.  The divorce is finalized.  She spends her time trying to heal from all the abuse from childhood she just started remembering.  But her memories by this time are distorted and she thinks any sin against her is/was abusive and unforgivable.  Everyone else is toxic; old friends, the court system, social workers.  Her only friends are GCMers.  They have gone through all of this too.  They know the pain.  Only they understand.  She spends the rest of her life trying to heal from all her abuse.  She is alone.  She is bitter.  Nothing she did to her husband or family were wrong because she was the victim of abuse.  All the men that come into her life turn out to be abusers too because they realize she is controlling and they don’t want to be micro-managed.  She is never truly happy and blames God for all her troubles (as well as her family and ex-husband).

Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft

*Notes: I know this book polarizes people.  If you found this site because you love this book and you hate my critique of it, please don’t comment about how I must be an abusive man myself or that I am a woman who hates women.  There is enough of that on Amazon.com.  If you go there you will find many reviews of the book and in the comment section of the one star reviews is where you will find those kind of responses.  So all readers, if you are interested,  go there because you aren’t going to find that kind of nonsense here.
Second note, I do know there is abuse out there.  I do recommend leaving during physical abuse and even sometimes with verbal abuse (with the hope of reconciliation).  But bad communication skills are not abuse.
Fourth note, I tried not to get too personal.  I didn’t go into great detail because I don’t want to on the world wide web!
Fifth note, I have not read all of the book because…. (Update: by the time I had written this post, I had read most of the book – minus a page here and there.  As I have stated in the comments section, nothing in my review changed.) 

Head Explosion!!!

That is the way my family members felt when we tried to read, Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft.  This is a book my GCM sister read and loved.   This book was recommended to my sister by people on GCM.  It too has a cult-like following.  If you disagree with it and you are a man, it is because you are an abuser.  If you are a woman and hate the book it is because you have a low view of women (see my notes above about Amazon).

My sister wanted my parents to read it.  They tried.  My mom made the suggestion that all men should put duct tape over their mouths so they wouldn’t be accused of abuse.  My parents, my other sibling and myself, which makes a total of four of us, tried to read it.  None of us could make it the whole way through the book!

First of all, where are the footnotes?  As I was reading I kept wondering where Mr. Bancroft got his information.  Where are the footnotes for the studies he mentioned (page 26 for one example)?  How did he know what was myth and what was reality?  In a book like this you would think there would be footnotes!  Most often he based everything on his experience instead of any scientific study.  So wives who read this please keep in mind this is one man’s opinions and might not reflect reality.

My family got the impression that Mr. Bancroft believes only men are abusers (although he does state that women can be abusers, the reader is still left with that impression nonetheless).  He doesn’t know my sister!  While reading this book, my other family members could see my GCM sister in the abuser role.  We could easily sub he for she and she for he and so much of it fit their situation.  She was manipulative  and very controlling (especially through the separation and divorce).  Neither were very nice to the other during their entire marriage.  I would rather call them both sinners than abusers.  But if she wants to call him an abuser, I would have to call her one too.  She fits Mr. Bancroft’s descriptions of an abuser just as much as my brother-in-law.

The saddest part of this book is that it ruins families (the GCM website is not the only destructive thing in my sister’s life; however, it is where it started).  A Christian knows that salvation is not possible with man, but possible with God.  God works miracles in  the hearts of those who repent and put their trust in Christ.  But according to Bancroft, once an abuser always an abuser (of course his definition of abuse is anything that makes the woman upset! Why do I say this?  Page after page describes the different kinds of abusers.  By the time you get done any man will fit the abuser profile!  Actually, any woman too.  I know my sister fit at least 2 abuser profiles really well).  He will state that a man can change but quickly pulls that hope back from the reader.

Overall the woman is going to be left with little hope after reading this book.  “My experience with abusive men is that small or even medium-level improvements generally slip away over time…”  “Sometimes when a woman reports to me that her abusive partner has been doing better, it turns out that he hasn’t been doing anything at all.  He isn’t swearing at her or scaring her, but he also isn’t spending time with her, talking to her, or showing her any affection. (page 349).”  So not talking to your wife is abuse, gentlemen!  You better always show her affection, but not too much because then she will think all you want is one thing and that is abusive too!  Mr. Bancroft even says that the “abuser” may wait two years before he starts testing you.  So even though he is perfect for two years and starts to act in a way you don’t like after TWO years, it is him clearly being abusive?  It couldn’t possibly be that he is a sinner doing what a sinner does?  Where is the grace?  I can say with 100% confidence that the wife is not perfect either.   How can I say such a thing?  Because ALL humans sin!  We must do what Christ did: FORGIVE!  After two years your spouse does something you don’t like, it is not abuse!  No person can live up to the expectations in this book.  Nobody but Jesus is perfect!

This book should not be treated in high regards by any Christian.  It is dangerous in the wrong hands.  It leads to destruction instead of reconciliation.  It is very possible for a woman who is unhappy in her marriage to come away from this book thinking she is abused when in reality she just isn’t happy with her marriage.  Another reason a Christian should not read this book for marital advice; on page 87 Lundy says, “You may be sorely tempted to have a secret affair, since your partner shows you so little kindness or tenderness.  A positive sexual connection may be especially affirming to you, because of how sexually degrading the Drill Sergeant tends to be.  But cheating on him can be deadly if he catches you.  Consider holding off on seeing other men until you have gotten yourself safe.”  Does that sound like what a Christian should be doing?  If a Christian women is reading this book and already is getting the impression she is abused and she is in a low mental state, she may actually think it is important that she have a positive sexual connection – which of course would be adultery.  Where is the focus for the woman?  On having a satisfying sexual encounter.  Where should a Christian woman’s focus be?  On Christ.  On how to handle trials in a way that will be pleasing to Him amd not necessarily to self.

What does this book scream to people who know both the husband and wife well? Women are to be in control of EVERYTHING.  It makes a controlling woman even more controlling and if you don’t like it then you will be labeled as an abuser.  There is very little grace or forgiveness for a husband.

This book makes a woman paranoid.  My sister started to see abuse in everything my brother-in-law did and wrote (of course the GCM people encouraged that because that is what they do.  If you can’t see abuse they will help you find it!  Nice of them isn’t it?).  She would share e-mails with me from him and the only thing I saw is confusion on his part.  She didn’t want to hear that though.  She tried to twist things around.  She wanted to see abuse.  Her GCM friends already told her she was abused so obviously everything he did was abusive.

Again, as I have stated in a previous post, I want to emphasize to all readers: DO NOT GO TO GCM FORUMS WITH YOUR MARITAL PROBLEMS!!!!!  They will tell you, based on Mr. Bancroft’s book, that if you don’t support her 100% (and this means that if you say anything nice about the husband or if you say she has faults too) then she will be unable to talk to you because “you don’t understand” – the book says so (page 369).  You too will be cut out of her life for as long as she is in this cult-like place.

If you are unhappy in your marriage, http://www.rickthomas.net/ would be a great resource to start with.  I have been impressed with the articles I have read on this site.  Mr. Thomas is Christ centered in everything and that is hard to find in counseling!  They do have a recommended book list for marriage here.  I have not read any of them though.  If you think you are abused, they would be a great resource to start with.  They should be able to point you in the right direction.